candidlyautistic:

This is a bit too long for the ask box, and I really wanted to have spaces so it’s more accessible to people with reading difficulties, because I’m still so angry about it. The worst ableism and abuse I’ve ever received because of me being autistic was from the staff at a Christian Youth Camp and my Youth Leaders.

You know how loud school cafeterias can get? Well, picture one of those, closed off so in its own building, with aluminum walls and roof, corrugated and reinforced with concrete cinderblocks. With absolutely no sound absorbing pads on the wall. That was the cafeteria at the Youth Camp I went to two summers.

The camp was six days long, with three meals a day. You weren’t allowed to be anywhere but the cafeteria during meals. I didn’t eat hardly anything the entire week because I would get a headache and had to go throw up in the bathroom if I went in there because of how loud it was. There were so many echoes and I couldn’t think and it was overwhelming and even if I managed to be in there I was too nauseous to eat.

It was sensory overload. I couldn’t think if I was in there. I couldn’t breathe. I could barely see because my vision would get blurry from all the noise.

I sat on the steps outside during meals because we weren’t allowed to be in our cabins during that time. I had counselors get mad at me for not being inside, but I wouldn’t go in because I’d get sick. 

Each “tribe” had to help clear dishes and serve drinks twice, and I ended up getting so sick every time I had to do it that I nearly passed out in the restroom. My youth pastor got so angry when he found out I hadn’t eaten, and he threatened to pick me up and carry me in there to make me eat. I told him that if he touched me (I have severe haphephobia and a hypersensitive sense of touch) I would scream.

He tried to pick me up. I screamed.

I was sent to the camp leaders and disciplined for screaming when nothing was wrong.

The next day, a couple of the girls from my church tried to bring me a burger so I could eat outside and not get sick from the noise, and they got yelled at for trying to take food outside. It was three days into the week. I’d had nothing to eat but a few snacks I brought with me to camp, barely enough to keep me from passing out. Camp counselors asked why I wasn’t eating inside. I said it was too loud and I got sick being in there. They tried to pull me to my feet and make me go inside.

When they wouldn’t listen when I said I hate being touched, I told them that if they didn’t stop touching me, I would scream. They didn’t stop, so I screamed.

I got in trouble again and was told I had to be in the cafeteria during mealtimes and they were going to make my youth pastor keep an eye on me so I didn’t sneak out.

I did what they told me, and I ended up bawling and trying not to have a meltdown because it was too loud and it physically hurt. I got in trouble for not eating. I said I couldn’t eat because the noise made me nauseous. They told me I was lying and I was just being shy.

They tried to pray for Jesus to heal my anxiety, and I told them I was going outside whether they liked it or not because I couldn’t think and I was in pain.

I got in more trouble and was basically on house arrest for the rest of the camp.

That was year one. Year two was basically the same.

candidlyautistic:

I have to take the Harvard racial Implicit Attitudes Test for psychology. This test assess the level of inherent bias you have for or against one group or another.

The way it does this is by having you press one button to sort black people and negative words, and another that sort white people and positive words. Then you have to do it the other way around. You press one key for white people and negative words, and another key for black people and positive words.

Based on how many you get right and wrong it gives you a score ranging from bias towards white people, to neutral, to bias towards black people. It is a pretty straight forward thing, right?

What I find interesting is that the particular test that I took (from Harvard, where the test was created), indicated that I did not get any wrong answers. I sorted exactly to the criteria as instructed with no mistakes. When black people and negative were associated and white people and positive were associated, I organized correctly. When black people and positive were associated and white people and negative were associated, I organized correctly.

You would think this means that I am neutral, right? You would be wrong. The way that the test is standardized means that sorting them correctly without making mistakes results in the strongest possible preference for black people.

Think about that for a moment. This test is the go-to when where racial bias is concerned. But there is so much bias in our culture against black people, and that bias is so expected, that treating black and white people equally is considered showing a strong preference for black people.

That is beyond fucked up.