yknow the more jk rowlings world falls apart in america (race relations, international history, population, etc) the more i like to think that america just straight up doesnt have the statute of secrecy. european countries are falling over themselves hiding magic but come to georgia and theres a drunk redneck wizard wingardium leviosa-ing the shit out of a tractor to the delight of his drunk redneck muggle buddies in a walmart parking lot.
wizard on muggle violence is prevented by virtue of there being like a 50/50 chance that muggle is packing heat. muggle on wizard violence is prevented by knowing that wizard can give you boils spelling LIL BITCH on your forehead if you try to start something.
america is the weird redheaded stepchild of the magic world.
im not gonna stop reblogging this until this is the next Hot Fanon
english muggles come back to england and suspicious wizards meet them at the airport.
‘did you witness any strange or inexplicable acts while you were in america?’ they demand.
the english muggles just laugh in their dumb fucking faces. mate, it’s america.
what’s the difference between a werewolf and an animagus?
english wizard: *two hour lecture on legal history*
american wizard: six beers
@jumpingjacktrash congrats ive read hundreds of comments on this dumpster fire of a headcanon and yours is the best
Insist that the plural of “goblin” is an enthusiastic rendition of La Bamba and you have to perform it every time you want to refer to the more than one goblin
i’m reading a very manly 1950s account of a hunt for el dorado but i’m thirty pages in and the narrator has already described his traveling companion as “handsome” 4 times, “extremely handsome” twice, “exceedingly handsome” once, his voice as “quietly husky” and “a husky whisper,” his fingers as long and deft, his body as “tall and cat-like,” and his eyes as some variation of ice-blue at least three times.
just men being dudes. dudes being pals. it’s great. this is great.
“Ever since he had aimed that gun at my throat, I had liked him immensely. And now I liked him even better.”
oh my god
“I awoke when a beam of light fell across my eyes. Jorge had come into my room carrying a lighted candle.
Did anyone notice how quickly the internet turned into a
Lovecraftian horror scenario?
Like we’ve got this dimension right next to ours, that
extends across the entire planet, and it is just brimming with nightmares. We
have spambots, viruses, ransomware, this endless legion of malevolent entities
that are blindly probing us for weaknesses, seeking only to corrupt, to thieve,
to destroy.
Add onto that the corrupted ones themselves, humans who’ve
abandoned morality and given up faces to hunt other people, jeering them,
lashing out, seeing how easy it is to kill something you can’t touch or see or
smell. They’ll corrupt anything they think could be a vessel for their message
and they’ll jabber madly at any who question them. Their chittering haunts
every corner of the internet. They are not unlike the spambots in some ways.
Add on top of that the arcane magisters, who are forever
working at the cracks between our world and the world we made. Some of them do
it for fun, some of them do it for wealth, others do it for the power of
nations unwise enough to trust them. There are mages who work to defend against
this particular evil, but they are mad prophets, and their advice is almost
never heeded, even by those who keep them as protection.
All people know several spells to use the internet. Facebook
asks you for the magic words to log in, so does your email, so does your
twitter and on and on. The spells are words or a gesture with the hand, some
use the colour of your eyes, or the shape of your finger. Our chief of security
joked about requiring users to give a drop of blood before they could log in.
Many do not understand the humour of mages.
The cracks between the two are breaking. IP cameras filled
our world with eyes and the magisters learned how to open almost all of them.
We all carry magic slabs of glass that if you hold it up to your ear can sing to
you with a loved one’s voice, but if you look at it with your eyes, can show
you a corrupted human with bleeding orange skin scream the profane with a
thousand voices. The other day I saw someone hack a moving vehicle. At one
point they made it stop. At another they made it so it couldn’t stop. Some of our best and brightest are going to create
an army of four winged bats hovering throughout every city and we are going to
connect them directly to the dimension where the nightmares live.
I’m not saying it’s all bad, but I am saying Cthulhu lies
deathless dreaming in this web we built him and he is waking up.
if you’ve spent your adolescence in the darker and more profane areas of this web you sure as hell don’t develop normal human appetites, that’s for damn sure. you wind up with a hunger for a lot more tentacles than humans are normally equipped with.
My dash refreshed from this post TO this post when i opened the app
Add to this the post about how Tumblr is like Fairyland: payment can be given in stories and you don’t give out your true name.
Aries: Stalking the aisles upstairs and clotheslining unaware guests. There are signs warning you about them.
Taurus: Teaching several small children about phonics. They know nothing about phonics, they thought the seminar was about phones.
Gemini: At the best part of their book, they weep loudly.
Cancer: Drunk.
Leo: Hoarded several snacks and pillows under a worktable and now lies in their nest reading something. Security attempts to dislodge them despite the fact that they really are not bothering anyone.
Virgo: Conducting an impromptu erotica table reading/workshop.
Libra: Attending the weekly watercolor classes to show those 4th graders who’s boss.
Scorpio: Currently engrossed in “An Illustrated Guide to the Plants of New England”. They think its a manga.
Ophiuchus: Dueling, but quietly as not to disturb the other patrons.
Sagittarius: Running the illegal black market library from the bathroom.
Capricorn: Proudly wielding the book club.
Aquarius: In the middle of solving the library labyrinth. They are stuck on the marble puzzle in the clock tower.
Pisces: Impersonating a librarian to lead patrons astray.
Bruh, if you don’t think that having historically significant events well documented from multiple perspectives is a good thing, then idk what the hell u doin.
Besides, like, that is literally a Giant Monster Rampaging Through The Town. What the fuck is the everyday person gonna do other than Tweet/Instagram/Post about it going “It’s the apocalypse you guys! Eyyyy lmao #apocalypse #deathrising #nofilter”?
And heck, even if your own death is inevitable getting information out could help save other people, even if it can’t save you. ‘Here are 20 livestreams of the giant tentacle monster including how it moves and attacks, how can we beat it?’ is way more useful than ‘an entire city got wiped off the map and things smell vaguely of calimari idk man’
reblogging for this perfection: ‘an entire city got wiped off the map and things smell vaguely of calimari idk man’
Point #1 on this here article talks about Robert Landsburg, a photographer who realized he wouldn’t survive the eruption of Mt St. Helens (too close to outrun the ash cloud) and used his own body to shield & preserve the photos and recordings he’d been taking during the explosion
these surviving photographs are still CRAZY VALUABLE to this day for the rest of the volcanologist community, since actual recordings of an in-process eruption are so dang rare
on-site documentation of any major disaster is gonna be VITALLY IMPORTANT to the people who are tryna figure out how to prevent that shit
tl;dr have your phone out, make your death-by-kaiju worthwhile to the scientific community
backup blogging platform 