some background: I work weekends at a small medieval village about an hour outside of town. We’re not hugely popular, but we always have at least 30-50 people in the village, and it’s *always* the same types of people: the enthusiastic little kids in costumes, the high teenagers, the adult cosplayers, the newlyweds, and the lonely bored men who want nothing more than the rush of catching you on something historically inaccurate. I play the scribe and run the bookshop, because I can do calligraphy and I know some Latin. it’s primarily a store though, and people are supposed to buy books or calligraphy commissions. Mostlye just want me to write their name fancy. It’s pretty straightforward.
But one day this guy comes wandering in with this sneer and I just know he’s gonna be a dick. I give him my usual scripted welcome, and out of the gate he asks how it’s historically accurate for the town scribe to be a woman.
I have an answer prepared, saying something about my father keeping the ledgers and never having a son, so he taught me my letters and sent me to the local priest to learn my Latin. He asks a handful more uncomfortable obnoxious questions and all I can think is “I’m on minimum wage to the cent, I’m stuffed into a starched frock, and I’m clearly just a local teenager” but I keep smiling and tolerating it. I answer all of his questions correctly until…
bored asshole (BA): “So if you learned your Latin from a priest I’m sure you can say an authentic medieval latin prayer for me now?”
and I kinda freeze, because I’m Jewish and don’t know any Christian prayers at all, and the only Latin I can remember was from a class project where we translated pop songs into various languages.
me: “eho te convenivi tamquam et hic furor est sed hic numerus meus est ita invoca me fortasse”
BA is finally shut up and satisfies and leaves (without buying anything) and content not knowing that the blessing was the chorus of Call Me Maybe
My friend told me to make a new character for Dungeons and Dragons Adventurer’s League, and so I just made “Jesse McCree… but moist”. He’s a Triton who was raised by pirates; you probably wouldn’t notice that he isn’t human unless you got really close.
I don’t totally understand DnD, but I understand what I like. And I like mermaids and moist McCree Overwatch.
UPDATE: Two DnD campaigns later, and I have a Helpful Infographic™ about my silly pirate boy and his mermaid transformation.
He also now owns a ship, called “The Dauntless”. TheDauntless is a ‘she’, and ‘she’ is beautiful.
Also, this happened:
DM: “For fun, why not roll a dice to determine how sexy he looks after coming out of the water?”
Me: “Oh. Okay.” (I roll an 18)
DM: “He emerges from the ocean, and it’s amazing. He’s sparkling. Women are losing their virginity. He’s like a romance cover Fabio sex God.”
Me: (ʘ‿ʘ✿) “All according to plan.”
Gsbdjdhfnfn “IT’S HIM! GUILLERMO DEL TORO’S BOYFRIEND!”
Been absolutely loving the new CritRole campaign so far, so this piece was a real blast to work on. (I’ve been wanting to draw a big fanart of the party like this since episode 1!) (It took 18 hours altogether to finish this but I couldn’t be happier with how it turned out.) (;w;)/
•"hey, y’see the red thing at the top of the shelf, will you get it?“ “Sorry, what?” “On the sh-” “oh yeah sure, I’ll get it.”
•*doesn’t hear teacher because someone’s pen is making a scratchy sound at the back of the room*
•*replays video 10 ten times to figure out what they’re saying*
•teachers asking, “why do you always stop writing in the middle of a sentence, just write down whatever I’m saying,” followed by the response, “I’m just processing it,” rebuked by, “we’ll stop processing it and just write.”
•*gets really focused on staring out the window and goes through four songs without hearing a single on*
someone is whispering to their friends in the library, you don’t even know who this person is but you know their major, what state they grew up in, and their hobbies during high school. you just wanted to find a quiet spot to do your chemistry homework.
wanting to chime in on other people’s conversations all the time, but don’t, because you’re not suppose to be “listening” to them.
being the only person in the house that can hear that awful buzzing sound certain electronics make
hiding in your room because everything is too loud.
motorcycles were invented by satan
being told that you have dog-like hearing by friends and family
being yelled at for “not listening” by friends and family.
God. God. God. God.
This entire post is so fucking relatable it hurts
“You just need to learn to tune it out.”
Forgetting how to think because ambient noise is drowning out your internal monologue.
“No, I don’t need the volume up, I’d just really like to put on subtitles. No, I don’t need to move closer, I just…”
Leaving the room whenever someone starts talking on the phone.
Pausing your video whenever someone starts talking but trying really really hard not to seem passive aggressive about it.
Struggling to explain why this one sound is the most horrible thing in the world while other very similar sounds are fine.
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