Fairy Rings (and why going into them is a bad idea) – LeonisRest – No Fandom [Archive of Our Own]

I love a fae
As fair as the sun
Armed with a kind heart and gentle smiles
With searing heat that comforts.
As with the sun, I live to see you
Soar in the morning sky
(Bright and free, you shine on)
Kindest, you remind me that I live.
So I can watch, breathless, your journey

I love a fae
As fair as the night sky
Gentle, beautiful words and simple silvered beauty
With a face alight with stars and unseen paths.
As with the moon, I live to see you
Bright and clear
(Halo in darkness)
Promises of sweet dreams and the midnight wolf’s howls
You remind me
That there is beauty to be found in dark times
Of songs gone unsung
That only your lips remember.

I love two faes
My moon and my sun

Hey did you know

Hey did you know

That my heart feels like such a pitiful thing
That I see you two on the other side of the world
happy and being adults
and my heart hurts as I remind myself.

“They only like me before I transition.”
“I’m safe, I’m too far away to be a threat”

Truth is.

Despite all reassurances of the contrary.
I’m still afraid of being myself.

And

Still

Being

Loved

(despite what I am)

That’s on me. I’m learning.
I’m getting better.

But I watch your smiles
Shared complicity.
With both fear and longing

Hey did you know…

Tick tock

Tick tock run the seconds

And yet I can’t stop writing.
My ink-stained fingers cramps.

Tick tock goes my heart

Thinking of losses, what ifs, and of a small apartment in LA.

Tick tock goes this year.

Painfully long, and yet not enough time.
(I can’t prepare, I can’t do this).

Tick tock.

Time passes.

As always

And letting me wish I had more and scramble to make it advance faster.

Tick.

Tock.

27/09/2017

What makes me afraid the most

Is not of loving, and caring
(for I do that everyday with every breathe: that’s who I am)
(I care because I fear what, who I’d be without it)
(I care because it makes me happy to see you happy)
(I care because without caring I’m nothing)
(I care because you are, you exist and that’s the most beautiful thing)

What makes me afraid the most you ask then?

Of intimacy
And surrendering a power I know so little of
To someone.
Crying in the dark while the other sleeps on comfortably.
Because when they are above me, trying to please me, to comfort me, to love me
All I see is a dark grin, fingers that touch what should have not been touched.
Me saying no, and adults telling me off because “That’s what boys do!”
All I see is me, having to hide myself, to change, because I hated my body.
(because I was taught to hate it)
All I see is scars, and terrors deep, and uncaring monsters.

Intimacy.

It’s a power, is what people tell us.
You do things for love, for that intimacy
For the feel of being with someone, of skin touching and loving.
It’s a power they say, and someone has to be above.
They tell you: in a relationship, there should be equality.
But they show you: unequality, one partner being submissive and waiting.
They show you: it’s okay to take what you want, if you’re in power.
They show you: boys will be boys, they’re just being rough.
They show you: You’re exaggerating, it can’t be that bad.

I am scared.

Of holding hands, of touching someone.
Of promising something that I do not understand
(for hidden languages of the body is still something I have difficulty with).
I am scared. Of being held.
Of being taken care of.
If I relent my freedom, I’ll never get it back.

I’m scared, and I threw out all my scissors and razors awhile ago.
Sometimes I regret, and think “I want to shave myself”
And I remember, thinking in the dark of the night.
“Who would miss me?”
And holding a little razor in my hand, and thinking “There’s blood but it doesn’t hurt”.
I remember, cutting my hand open with a glass.
And thinking “If I bleed out, maybe it would be a kindness”.

I remember.

And I’m scared.
(I’m sorry)