fun fact: there is a goddess of friendship in ancient greece named philotes
extra fun fact: she is a daughter of nyx, whose other children are such lovely people as thanatos (god of death), momus (god of mockery), oizys (goddess of misery and depression), nemesis (goddess of retribution), apate (goddess of deceit), and eris (goddess of strife)
gather round tumblr it’s time for a story about why you shouldn’t solicit conversation with a stranger with a put down about their generation
i sat down about 30 minutes ago in the lobby of a very nice hotel, intending to do some writing. i have my laptop and my cellphone. as i settled, i checked some stuff on my phone, then turned to my laptop. because there aren’t many plugs, i’m sitting in a cluster of couches and instead of being by myself there’s an he’s an older gentleman across from me, polo shirt, salt and pepper hair. was very polite when i asked if he minded if i tucked myself in the corner of the couch
but apparently
apparently
he thinks computers are full of satan or something
because no sooner have i opened up goddamn word when he goes, “you kids and your electronics.”
ah, excellent, unsolicited conversation with a perfect stranger that comes with a critique of modern communication. fight me, bro, you got no idea who you’re tangling with. so naturally i push up my metaphorical sleeves (metaphorical because i’m in a goddamn resort and pavement is melting; i’m wearing a very nice goddamn dress and i’d look like a fucking soccer mom named helen if i had blonde hair) and very politely, i smash his face into the floor with “i’m sorry?” in an utterly flabbergasted tone because dude wtf and no one delivers slick put downs when they’re caught off guard
“i’m here reading my newspaper and after this my wife and i are going on a hike” (lol good luck with that dude the pavement is melting and you want to hike in the mountains) “and we’re going to interact with each other.” he gives my computer a v pointed look
naturally, i have the perfect response to this. it is pithy and eloquent and will surely put him in his place: “i… like to write, and it’s easier on a laptop?”
“it seems to me” (HERE WE GO) “that your generation” (OH GOOD) “is losing the ability to interact with other people.” (O OK) “my grandchildren never take their eyes off their cellphones anymore!”
and here he pauses and looks at me. as if he expects me to agree.
so i say “you were born in the 50s, right?” he says he was born in 59. “well, it seems to me that your generation is really fond of adultery, embezzlement, and corporate fraud, among other things, and i’m really enjoying paying for your retirement.”
i admit: i had this line canned after a little snarl i had with my mom the other night.
he stares at me. i stare back.
“you also realize,” i say, quickly typing socrates kids these days quote into google, “that people have been saying kids these days since socrates said, and i quote, children now love luxury. they have bad manners. contempt for authority. they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise.” i look up at him. he’s staring at me still.
i’m shaking because man fuck confrontation but also how hilarious is this because i literally had a fight with my mom about this twelve hours ago. i literally have a cranky tweet about it. “so it seems to me that making sweeping generalizations about people based on pretty arbitrary age groupings is kind of ridiculous since i’m pretty sure you’re not cheating on your wife or stealing from your company.”
he goes beat red because now i’m embarrassed him, and i feel really fucking bad because i didn’t mean to embarrass him, but also hey dude fuck you
SO OF COURSE he says “did your parents teach you any manners?”
and there goes the last of my embarrassment because hey fuck you dude the only person who can insult my parents is fucking me. and i say, without even thinking because this is when you have the snappiest rejoinders, “well they did teach me not to open unsolicited conversation with a stranger by insulting them so.”
at this point the dude’s wife shows up and they leave, and the waiter asks me if i want anything to drink and i’m like “yes please give me all your vodka” but instead i say “ice water” because the pavement is melting and if i puke from nerves after that, i don’t want to snort alcohol out my nose
oh man theres so many competitors for That Animal Has To Be Fake But Isnt how about
the saiga antelope
the first time i saw a picture of this thing i was absolutely CONVINCED it was a photoshop job and i had to watch a video of one moving before i accepted it
its critically endangered due to overhunting ( the horns are especially valued as ingredients in certain cultures ) and where there used to be around 2 million of them all across the eurasian steppe, now theres suspected to be maybe 50,000 left in various patches of russia and nearby countries
they use that weird baby trunk to filter out sand from the air thats kicked up when they travel in herds during fall and spring, and ALSO to heat up the air they breath in cold periods before it hits the lungs
other really good ones are the gerenuk
which is found in small herds in desert and shrubland areas in mideast africa, and uses its elongated neck and legs to help reach shoots and leaves otherwise out of range for other gazelles and antelopes
i thought itd look a little more reasonable just standing but i was wrong
the mexican mole lizard ( no hind legs ! )
this reptile belongs to a group of reptiles called amphisbaenia ( or worm lizards ! ) , which generally spend most of their lives underground and usually dont have Any Limbs, unlike the tiny mole lizards tiny mole hands
they can get around 9 inches in length and move very similarly to a regular earthworm, with controlled contractions and expansions of its body segments
the mantidfly
which, like the true mantids it takes its name from, uses its modified forelimbs to capture prey – theyre generally nocturnal and completely harmless to humans, which is great because species of these little things can be found globally in various tropical/temperate zones ( and are Very Cute to watch )
and then the chinese water deer
this ones pretty well known already BUT it looks so much like a weird handpuppet theres no way id skip it
these little deer stand less than 2 feet high at the shoulder and populate various areas around coastal regions and rivers in china ( although some deer that were imported to and released from britain zoos from ages ago have established small populations there )
the fangs are found in males and females ( although theyre considerably larger in males ) and are only loosely held in sockets in the skull, meaning they can be manipulated at will by the deer by controlling certain facial muscles
the fangs are often moved to the side when eating, and during territorial disputes are used to stab their opponents backs and shoulders ( although the fights are rarely fatal ! )
theyre actually not even the only fanged deer out there, joining the toothy hoards of muntjac, tufted deer, and other water deer ! this species though doesnt have any horns, setting their skull
on a slightly lower tier than the closely related muntjac ( although both are still good ok theyre both good skulls )
i Still cant believe sneaking out is an Actual thing that teenagers Do
this is just so unrealistic to me like what the fuck how do yall do it??? i have Arguments and Questions
1. like what am i supposed to do if i live in a building??? do i just wait for the elevator?? do i take the stairs?? mind me there could be a Lot of stairs 2. how THE FUCK do yall manage to do all this shit without waking anyone up?? this is So Fake!! if i so much as sneeze into my pillow my mom will come into my room and see if my ass is okay and then complain that i woke her up 3. HOW THE FUCK DONT YOUR PARENTS REALIZE YALL ARE GONE?? AND HOW DO YOU MANAGE TO COME BACK?? WHAT THE FUCK!! 4. if my mom found out that id been going places in the middle of the night u bet your ass id be dead the next day 5. i dont believe in this concept At All
i mean i guess it’s possible the way american houses are built but it’s still a bit far fetched imo but yea growing up in Puerto Rico in an urbanizacion it was like lmao you can’t sneak out in a house like that. first of all our windows are miami style of whatever, second of all there’s only 1 functioning door (technically our house had 2 but 1 of them had potted plants on both sides so it was never used but in any case both were on the same side of the house), and the house is so small like you would hear someone opening and closing it. plus you just know at least 1 person on your street would be up and would spill that piping hot tea to your parents the next day.
so my sister snuck out of the house one night because we live in an old house in the country that’s always creaking and “settling” which, good news: is perfect for sneaking out because there’s always weird noises anyway; bad news: we’re in the middle of the woods and there’s always creepy fucking noises
but hey, what are white girls gonna do except sneak out at night and through the woods to go have sex with their boyfriends?
what could go wrong??
and I do literally mean through the woods. our driveway is a quarter of a mile long through actual wooded area, and she wasn’t smart enough to grab a flashlight. but she could sort of see the headlights of her boyfriend’s car at the very end so it wasn’t so bad going down to be picked up
except when she got dropped off, she had to make the trip back up the driveway, through the dark scary woods, with no light whatsoever, at like 3 am or some other Gonna Get White Girl Murdered time
and she was high as fuuuuuuuuuuck
so she’s creeping her way back up the driveway, trying to move slow or else she’ll fall off the ground and get lost in the sky forever. really fucking high
then she steps on a frog
because we also have a 3 acre “pond” like our property isn’t fucking creepy enough already and my first-time-to-ever-be-high sister stepped on a FROG and apparently it both squished and belched, and keep in mind that with no light whatsoever she doesn’t know what the fuck just happened AT ALL
I wake up to a series of frantic text messages
hlp he lp HEL
dont’ tell momd and dad
i jsut murdered somtheing
also, just for context, this is also the sister that pierced her own ears and gave herself a stick’n’poke tattoo with a lighter and my mom’s sewing needle because she “got restless” and picked a fight with a girl two grades above, half a foot taller, and probably a hundred pounds heavier AND WON
(it doesn’t matter if you’re smol if you get ‘em on the ground and get on top)
anyway
so waking up to an “I just murdered something” text from her was … actually kind of inevitable. siblings are either ride or die or no officer I’ve never seen that person before, and that night, I decided I was ride or die
so then I take MY dumb white girl ass out into the woods in the middle of the night, but at least I’m smart enough to take a flashlight. sister had already texted me she was “onthe driveways” but again, that’s a quarter mile journey
finally I arrive at the scene of the crime
sister: sitting in the gravel, crying, makeup a Mess
frog: laying still beside her, looking like a slightly smaller Jabba the Hut
she points at the frog and sobs that it’s a heart. obviously a frog. a fucking BIG ASS frog, but still. I’m relieved, but also super pissed, because I drug myself out of bed, snuck out too, and dangled my sumptuous human body in front of all the Forest Monsters on my way down here and there isn’t even a fucking body
just a frog, which I pick up to show her is not a heart, and turns out to only be stunned! not dead! still very much alive and full of pee!!
so it pisses all over me and slimes out of my hand, escaping into the night
also, I totally held my sister’s hand with my Piss Hand as I led her back home because she deserved it
Hey, remember when Raphael was painting the Cupid and Psyche frescos at the Villa Farnesina and he decided that his lush and fertile garland frame was too subtle in implying the fruitfulness of sex and romance between the two main figures and so he included a huge penis fruit with pendulous fruit-balls splitting open a very graphically suggestive fig?
I would like to introduce you to a little friend I like to call the AMPERSAND. &! Hello Mx. Ampersand! How are you doing today?
You can USE this AMPERSAND on AO3 tags to indicate a PLATONIC RELATIONSHIP that is important in your story! Isn’t that nice? That way you can indicate that the relation between two characters is important even though they are NOT BANGING. For example, when they are RELATED. This is helpful, because if you do not, the result is what I like to call SCHRODINGER’S INCEST, where you can’t tell if the fic is happy fluffy family times or not until it is already TOO LATE.
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