some background: I work weekends at a small medieval village about an hour outside of town. We’re not hugely popular, but we always have at least 30-50 people in the village, and it’s *always* the same types of people: the enthusiastic little kids in costumes, the high teenagers, the adult cosplayers, the newlyweds, and the lonely bored men who want nothing more than the rush of catching you on something historically inaccurate. I play the scribe and run the bookshop, because I can do calligraphy and I know some Latin. it’s primarily a store though, and people are supposed to buy books or calligraphy commissions. Mostlye just want me to write their name fancy. It’s pretty straightforward.
But one day this guy comes wandering in with this sneer and I just know he’s gonna be a dick. I give him my usual scripted welcome, and out of the gate he asks how it’s historically accurate for the town scribe to be a woman.
I have an answer prepared, saying something about my father keeping the ledgers and never having a son, so he taught me my letters and sent me to the local priest to learn my Latin. He asks a handful more uncomfortable obnoxious questions and all I can think is “I’m on minimum wage to the cent, I’m stuffed into a starched frock, and I’m clearly just a local teenager” but I keep smiling and tolerating it. I answer all of his questions correctly until…
bored asshole (BA): “So if you learned your Latin from a priest I’m sure you can say an authentic medieval latin prayer for me now?”
and I kinda freeze, because I’m Jewish and don’t know any Christian prayers at all, and the only Latin I can remember was from a class project where we translated pop songs into various languages.
me: “eho te convenivi tamquam et hic furor est sed hic numerus meus est ita invoca me fortasse”
BA is finally shut up and satisfies and leaves (without buying anything) and content not knowing that the blessing was the chorus of Call Me Maybe
what if voltron was just a really long dnd campaign
matt: zarkon emerges from the ship with the black bayard in hand. what do you-
keith: i attack him
matt: …keith you’re a level three
keith: i’m rolling
matt: you arrive at your brother’s grave, confirming that he was one of the casualties in the battle. you collapse into tears in front of it and-
pidge: i’m rolling for perception
matt: wh- what is there to perceive? he’s literally dead-
pidge: it’snat 20
matt: i… you notice that your brother’s birthday on the tombstone is wrong. he’s left you a code. on his grave. for some reason. because apparently he’s not dead now
lotor: i try to convince them to ally with me
matt: you do realize you’ve tried to kill these people on multiple occasions right?
lotor: i’m going for it
matt: …okay. roll for charisma
lotor: …i got a 1
matt: you attempt to charm the princess by talking about her dead father for fifteen minutes
lotor: i try to convince them to give the galra empire unlimited access to quintessence
matt: i- you know what? fine. allura, roll a perception check
allura: ………i got a 1
matt: …you think lotor’s plan is absolutely wonderful and allow him to join your party
matt: the sea serpent follows in quick pursuit. it’s gaining on the blue lion fast and-
lance: can i roll to seduce it?
matt: no
lance: why do you hate me
matt: rax asks if your ship is still working so that you can leave
hunk: well we can’t leave without the crystal, and we still haven’t found out a way to get it…
coran: i have a plan. we attempt to impersonate a galra sentry
matt: you… do realize they’re robots right
coran: yes
matt: alright then. roll a bluff check
coran: i got a 5
matt: you grab a broken sentry and get on hunk’s shoulders, putting on a cloak to hide your body from view. the two of you stumble towards two guards, very obviously whispering to each other under the cloak, and attempt to convince them that their shift is over. they raise their weapons and ask for your identification number
hunk: …yeah i’m just gonna shoot at them now if that’s okay
matt: voltron drives its sword right through zarkon’s robeast. it erupts into brilliant flames and completely destroys his robotic body. the explosion tears voltron apart. shiro, roll for dexterity.
shiro: …why? the battle’s over?
matt: lol
shiro: matt
matt: lol just do it
shiro: nat 20
matt: …how did you roll nat 20. you never roll 20
shiro: i have no idea
matt: shit. i’ll be real i wasn’t expecting that. uh. so shiro’s… shiro’s gone now i guess
shiro: what? where did i go?
matt: give me a second i have to rewrite half the campaign since you didn’t let me just kill you off like a fucking normal person
fun fact about fic writers. every time they post anything at all, they slide into one of the circles of hell while they await a response and their brain turns into a endlessly echoing refrain that this time people have seen through the facade, and now know that your writing is pure garbage.
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