LOST LOVE IN TIMES, Episode 4 ꞁ Qing Chen’s coronation as The Grand Sorceress
reasons why me and @2nduzukage are not allowed to stay up late and plot: this.
Also known as that Skyrim AU, also That One Time Shisui Was A Falmer And Went Mad After His Death Like Some Kind Of Vengeful Ghost, also Vampire Tobirama Who’s A Bosmer.
(also we call it the Alduin Gets Boned By One Undead Incorporeal And One Vampire. or maybe he bones them. Who knows)
Here it is: how I got Horrible Histories banned from my school.
Sit down, I’m going to tell you a story.
Imagine a little girl, a 4’9” fifth grader with dimples and twinkling blue eyes. Oh, look, she’s going to the school library. Perhaps she’s going to rent Little Women, or read On the Banks of Plum Creek by Laura Ingalls Wilder!
Five minutes later, she exits the library holding a large stack of books called “Horrible Histories.”
And she’s thumbing through one called “Angry Aztecs.”
Record scratch. Freeze frame.
Yup, that’s me! The only history geek in a fifty mile radius. Living in Bumhicksville, Nowhere (name changed, but very accurate) is pretty terrible, and going to school at Caucasian Christian School of Goodness (again, a name change, but an apt description) is even worse. I snapped a bit while I was attending, due to the lack of permissible self-expression, but horrible histories were my guiding light.
Flash forward six months.
Our teacher wants us to do a history project about an ancient civilization. Since our curriculum is Eurocentricism.JPEG, most kids pick the Greeks or Romans (and completely skip over all of the good stuff, like orgies and gladiator fights) in their presentations.
I choose my favorite ancient civilization:
The Aztecs.
My teachers knew I’d been reading Horrible Histories, but what they didn’t know was that I’d also been avidly reading all about Aztec mythology. I walk up to the front of the class, pull on a turquoise skull mask, and raise my arms to the sky.
My teacher goes sheet white.
I give my presentation and skip nothing. Nothing. Every detail of the sacrifices, every dirty, disgusting part.
It all culminates when I point to the calendar.
“It’s May!” I shout, my little girl voice rising an octave. My teacher looks like she’s about to phone the police. “The Aztecs called May Toxcatl.”
No one moves or breathed. I continue blithely.
“Toxcatl was a month dedicated to the worship of the god of the night, Tezcatlipoca.” I’m still going. Everyone is afraid. Marie, one of my classmates, looks like she’s about to cry.
“They’d dress a brave warrior as the god all year, and at the end-“ I pull the red streamers out from behind my display, shouting: “They’d sacrifice him!”
The kids shriek as the streamers of “blood” roll out across the floor.
The principal walked in, hearing the commotion, just in time for me to really get into character and shout “BLOOD FOR THE GOD OF THE NIGHT!”
And that’s how Horrible Histories and all mentions of the Aztecs were banned from my school.
A fucking hero
i have an idea in my head where thor is just like. painfully incapable of being cissexist.
like some transphobic reporter asks him abt his sexuality and he’s “i have been attracted to many of your midgardian genders” and “what” and “my current paramor is genderqueer” “are they male or female” “they are neither of those two genders, that is what i have just said!” “oh well what were they born as“ “oh no, dear friend, u appear to be confusing genderqueer with genderfluid! the lady mystique assures me that these are two very different things, [extremely extended explanation]”
y/y
oh my gosh yes
“but what are they biologically?”
“…they are human.”
oh my god
“But what is between their legs?!”
“That is not of your concern, but on a good day, myself!”
IM SCREAMING
#thor’s the kind of guy who would hear that joke #you know #’who wears the pants in your relationship?’ #’well if we’re doing it the right way #neither of us’ #and he’d just BELLOW with laughter #because yes no pants for both of us #excellent (via tinpanali)
HELP
Y’know when people use the Tolkien quote “Not all those who wander are lost” as inspirational.. It’s just.. That line was referring to Sauron’s evil servants being around in Middle Earth.. Not about your boho journey to South Cali in a rented minivan..
I don’t know where, when, or how OP pulled this from the depths of their asshole and decided to splatter it across the internet as Fact, and I really don’t care, because this is the full poem.
All that is gold does not glitter/Not all those who wander are lost/The old that is strong does not wither/Deep roots are not reached by the frost/From the ashes a fire shall be woken/Alight from the shadows shall spring/Renewed shall be blade that was broken/The crownless again shall be king.
In text, Bilbo fucking Baggins wrote that poem for Aragorn and the Rangers, who don’t have homes and wander around the West of Middle Earth generally being badass and saving people and protecting the good left in the world.
It’s not about the servants of Sauron. It’s not even close to being about Sauron. Go home, you’re drunk.
I wanna see OP fight Stephen Colbert.
I know I shouldn’t keep reblogging my own ancient Tolkien misinterpretation, but I just want to say that seeing yourself being dragged on the internet like this is fucking hysterical. “I don’t know where, when, or how OP pulled this from the depths of their asshole and decided to splatter it across the internet as Fact” is absolutely iconic. Thank you @urulokid for ending my life so beautifully
This is the right way to respond to getting dragged on the internet.
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